Tag Archives: rant

What I Wish That Attorneys Knew

1 Nov

The article by Paralegal Pie, “What Do Attorneys Wish that Their Paralegals Knew?”  got me to thinking, “Oh, there are so many things I wish my attorney knew.”  The list could be endless, but here’s some I have come up with for now:

1.  We cannot read minds.  I really wish I could, then I might actually know what’s coming up in this case, and figure out what you’re trying to tell me when you sent that vague email or the note you scrawled with such horrible penmanship that I will need a decoder ring to figure out what it says.  Sadly, I was not given such awesome psychic talent, or a functioning crystal ball, so you’ll have to forgive me and stop giving me that annoyed look when I dare show up in your office door and ask you a question.  I would have emailed you, but my chances of you actually responding are less than the chances that I might get a raise this year.   Pretty damn slim.

2.  Figure out how to change the toner in the printer and add paper to the printer.  Pretty please?  It’s really not that hard and would save both you and me, and any other staff member within earshot, a lot of time and spare us all the headache.   Mmmmkay?  It would also be super helpful if you figured out how the coffee maker worked, too, but I’m not going to push my luck.

3.  We know you’re super tense about the upcoming trial, but could you tone down the attitude just a notch?  Really, we are just as concerned about the case as you are, and working hard to make sure you are prepared and have everything you need.  We want you to win almost as much as you want to win.  We probably won’t get any recognition, and definitely not any of that nice big bonus you’ll get for winning, but we still work our asses off , just the same.  So if we need to enter the sanctum that is your “war room” and interrupt your intense trial prep, it’s probably in your best interest that we do so.

4.  Do not stand over our shoulder or ask us every 5 minutes if that super important rush job is done yet.  Having to answer you constantly or move you out of the way so that we can breathe only makes it go slower.  We will happily let you know when the task is complete.  Seriously, we’ll be happy when you’re off our back.  I know you have to leave for court in 30 minutes, so rest assured I’m not going to file my nails or spend 15 minutes drinking coffee in the break room until it’s done. 

5.  I don’t take my kid to the doctor every time he has a tiny fever.  I’m really not a hypochondriac, or whatever it is you call it when it’s someone else, when it comes to my son.  If I’m taking him to the doctor because he has a fever, it’s because the doctor told me to or the kid really needs to go.  It’s not a big ol’ hoot for me to leave in the middle of the day and sit in a germ-infested waiting room with a grumpy, fidgety kid who just pooped in the last diaper I had with me.  I also don’t want to fork over another co-pay just because Junior has a fever.   So, don’t laugh & call me a hypochondriac, okay?  Because if I hear it again, I might accidentally drop that poopy diaper in your briefcase.

6.  We cannot make  clerks or medical records custodians respond to us any faster or with the answer you want by bugging them.  Really.  Calling them 5 times in one day is not going to help.  Then they’re just going to think that I am a hugely annoying douche and put my request on the bottom of the pile.  So please stop asking what the status is or to verify what said clerk/custodian has already told us. 

7. If my door is shut, it’s not an invitation for you to knock on it and see what’s going on.   And if I seem a bit grumpy or annoyed when you barge in for the third time, it is your fault, so deal with it.  

I’m sure there are a ton more, but I think I’ve mentally blocked some things to save my sanity.  Seriously, I’m not saying my boss is like this all of the time, but these are things I have witnessed or had the “pleasure” of dealing with.   So what are some the most important things you wished your attorney (or any attorney) knew?