Tag Archives: Musings that I should probably keep to myself

Pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain…

6 Mar

Sometimes life is flying by at such a rapid pace that you don’t have time to stop and think.  Whoosh.  And it’s gone.  Other times, I suddenly realize, “Oh my God. I’m an adult. How the hell did THAT happen?” My brain starts to let that reality settle in a little bit. I’ll be 40 in a few short years. I start thinking back to when my mom turned 40. Oh crap, that’s ME now. Then the denial starts. Oh no, this can’t be. It wasn’t that long ago that I was a teenager wearing acid washed jeans, listening to Def Leppard, and trying desperately to tease my bangs and shellac my hair in unnatural ways. I’ve gotten rid of the jeans and the Aqua Net. (Thank God.)  Honestly, not the music. And not the feeling that I’m still that teenager. Or at least an early 20-something.  With everything still ahead of me.

I’ve been married 10+ years. I have an amazing kid. I have a mortgage and a 401k and dental insurance. And business cards. People come to me at work and actually expect me to know something. I feel like I’m just pretending to be a grown up. Masquerading as someone that has responsibilities and a career. Someone that needs to seriously consider dying the gray hair. Don’t they know that I’m not really an adult? My bosses trust me to research complex medical issues. To actual comprehend it and give useful information to them. To be able to work independently; to analyze, organize and whip a file into shape. I train new paralegals in our department.  I have to admit, it was a little nauseating when a paralegal was hired that was younger than me. I’ve worked in a law firm since I was 17. I was always the youngest. Now the new associates look like 14 year olds. 

But I still feel like that unsure teenager. I see old friends on Facebook, and I can easily remember our friendship and what those days were like. Then I realize I don’t really know them anymore. We’ve both had years of experiences and moments between then and now that have changed us. Or maybe just them. Because I’m still me. I don’t feel like I’ve really changed that much. I still feel awkward in most social situations, but I know better now when to hold my tongue. And I know to trust myself more, to give myself more credit. I’ve still love to turn the music up loud and sing in the car and play air drums on the steering wheel. Except now I don’t care if someone sees me. And sometimes I’m singing along to a kids song with my son in the backseat. It’s not Def Leppard, but damn if I can’t get that Imagination Movers song out of my head. I still get a little jump in my stomach when I kiss my husband. Except instead of long, dreamy make out sessions, it’s a quick instant.  Usually right before he goes in one direction and I go in another.  Packing lunches, paying bills, taking out the trash.   

So when do I finally feel like a grown up?  You’d think by now I would have caught on.  You’d think I wouldn’t be shocked by the wrinkles showing up.  I’m thrilled when I get carded to buy wine.  (It so rarely happens.  Getting carded, I mean.  Not the wine.)   I don’t want to be a stodgy, boring, stiff GROWN UP.  But I wonder if it will ever feel like this is really MY life.